I’ve dealt with my fair share of narcissists. There seems to be quite a few of them in the world. I’ve been gaslighted, projected-onto, and generally treated like I was made of dog shit. Many people have experienced being treated like this. The destruction and pain that narcissists sow often leads to us judging them as being “bad people.” But they’re not really bad; they’re just doing the best they can with what they have. I think it’s really helpful to understand what’s going on under-the-hood with narcissists. This enables us to be less reactive to their behavior, and to calmly and confidently back-away once it’s clear what we’re dealing with.
At the root of narcissism, as with nearly all mental illness, is trauma. The narcissist experienced severe trauma at some point in their lives, probably when they were children and before their character crystallized. This kind of trauma is often relational and, where narcissism is concerned, it’s usually related to a parent who severely degraded the child, either actively through abuse or passively through negligence. As with all non-integrated trauma, the relational trauma that underlies narcissism continues to be a living reality for the narcissist into adulthood. From their perspective, they’re still living in the traumatic experience.
