I’ve often heard people saying about others, “He needs to learn about boundaries,” meaning that he needs to learn not to overstep other people’s boundaries. To me, this seems like an inversion of the value and importance of boundaries. Boundaries are not a way that others can learn to read our minds and a way that we can label others when they fail to do so. Boundaries are invisible inner thresholds that only we can discern and protect.
The most common issue with boundaries is that we fail to notice them in ourselves and then fail to express the needs that they represent. I might say, “Hey baby, I love you, and although I usually enjoy you stroking my head, right now it seems to be irritating me.” If she continues, then I could say, “Please will you stop doing that.” If she still doesn’t stop doing it, then I can move away. You see, my boundaries are my boundaries. They are a way for me to know what I need and to advocate for that.
There are people in the world who will tell you that your boundaries are wrong or invalid or that you have no integrity because your needs keep changing. These people are disconnected from their empathy. They are not comfortable with you needing what you need. They need for you to be a certain way more than they care for your wellbeing.
