I’ve been worried about waking up from the dream of self (the dream of separation). I was worried not because I need to exist, to have a purpose, or to achieve anything. It’s understandable that someone would be concerned about not existing for those reasons, but those reasons are not what bothered me.
Long ago, I seem to have become okay with no longer existing. I came to terms with that, or perhaps it came to terms with me. Death didn’t truly scare me because I knew that what we call death never really happens.
What bothered me was that my wife really seems to need me. She needs me to be here with her, to love her, to comfort her, and to accept her. I was worried that I would disappear into a place where I was no longer the same person, leaving her bereft, leaving her all alone with this empty shell.
Today, it became clearer to me that what I assumed was “me” was seen to be an illusion years ago, and that what has been breathing this body ever since then, and for all my life before that revelation, was nothing.
It’s a relief to know that I can never wake up and leave her bereft because I was already nobody when she married me. This means that, paradoxically, I will always be here for her, until I am not.
